Humor

"There are no problems. If there were problems, they would be your fault. If there was, hypothetically, a problem, and it was not your fault, it would be impossible for us to fix. That's not a supported configuration. That sounds like an unholy combination of a pipsqueak dictator and a DEC salesman."
-- from a USENET post in alt.fan.pern by Andrew Molitor.

"Copyright notice"

<Insert company name here> Confidential.
Copyright <year> <Big Corporation>. All Rights Reserved.

The piece of code you are now perusing was written in the service of a huge and powerful corporation. We know who you are. We know that you're reading this. We know what you're thinking. And we'll know if you even _consider_ trying to copy even the slightest idea or concept from this code. We are everywhere, and if you do copy us, we'll be forced to buy you, your company, and probably even your home state, and crush you like the nothing that you are. And that's just if we're in a _good_ mood that day. You don't want that do you? Good. Now run along...

-- courtesy of bethmo@microsoft.com

Real World, The n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
-- Unknown

Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

-- From the fortune file: The Core Dumped Blues

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for the system source.

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files,
And in the darkness grind them.
-- Unknown

"Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Features available in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS-Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources."
-- modified, posted by Peppa on ISCA BBS, original source unknown